The Fall...

Rain… Standing beneath a myriad of droplets doomed to seep into the body of the earth, cleansing it, washing it… purifying it… Likewise, I stand, raindrops dancing down my forehead, making their way down my face, neck, and chest… Raindrops that take with them the filth of the day. I believe rain to be one of Earth’s most sexy attributes. Do not be played by foul assumptions, however. In my mind’s eye, the word “sexy” is easily replaced by such words as “attractive” or “beautiful.”

Truly, this is my irony in rain. Some consider themselves fortunate when not caught by the rain. Instead, they watch, comfortably nestled within the shelter of their homes, cars, restaurants, et cetera. Others, when caught, try with all their might to avoid it by seeking shelter. Why can we not bask in the resplendent pleasure found in just being? It seems, today, as if we are always trying to run… always hiding from something. I know because… I was hiding…

For as long as I can remember, no one thought I was capable of feeling. I "cut myself off from the rest of the world," effectively being labeled as something of a "loner." They said I was cold, I was distant. They said I was alone… I find it funny how we sometimes live up to the musings of others. If nothing else, I felt too much. If nothing else, I just couldn't relate to anyone. They said I was cold… I was aching for warmth… They said I was distant… I was closer and more Loyal to them than most… They said I was alone… I was just… lonely.

They said I was Godless… I was searching…

It’s nothing new. Everyone judges just as everyone is judged. Call it a fact of life, if you will. It is human nature to operate based upon preconceived notions that outline the imperfections and defects of others. Aside from being “human nature,” it is also so much easier. When one finds a means by which the focus of the scope is misdirected, turned, and angled away from the self, he or she can become a vicious, malicious, spiteful person.

As a society, we are much more proficient in identifying the faults of others because we do not want to admit that we, ourselves, are inherently flawed. Why? We are not flawed because Eve succumbed to the coercion of the serpent. No, we are flawed because we choose to be. God chose to give us free will… Just look what we’ve done with such a Beautiful and Powerful gift. We’ve destroyed countries and continents, families, lives, entire peoples… For what? Why? Is there a reason? Is it all just nonsense? No… If nothing else, these mistakes were allowed to be made so that we could learn to become more Christ-like; Love freely and give of thyself fully… That’s what it is all about.

But no more do we allow ourselves to enjoy such natural splendors. No more do we even allow ourselves to cry. A wise person once told me that fallen tears cleanse the soul. A tear held internal causes grief, confusion, worry, strife… When we disallow ourselves the God-given ability to feel, the what have we become? Have we become so monotonous in our daily lives that we have no time to feel, show compassion or empathy? Has it become so that when others are in need, we are to call someone to help or simply pretend that there isn’t an outstretched hand reaching for us. I’ve cried more in the last two years than I have in my entire Life… and it is Liberating, Invigorating, and Energizing. There is no shame in feeling… There should be shame in being callous, pitiless, and hard… There should be shame in the unwillingness to share in the plight of mankind. After all, we are all in this together.

You know, I cannot begin to describe to you what it is like to be lost, nor ever will I be lost again. What I can say is that, once found, your life is changed immediately. The change is so profound and instantly evident. Without her, I might very well be still immersed in darkness… Without her, I don’t know where I would be…

It all started in Tenth grade… If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you already know the story. However, in summation, it would suffice to say that from the very instant that I saw her, I was taken. I was drawn to her… Everything about her… It was like an intense magnetism… Like gravity itself was acting on me. Somehow, I knew. She was (is and will always be) the One.

I was set on a path that I had to travel alone. I had no idea how to begin, where to start, or what exactly I was looking for… Those of you who have had Christ your entire lives may not know of what I speak. For those of you who haven’t, you know the Beauty in the Life, in the change, in the undying sense of Hope and Faith and Ecstasy that runs rampant through your veins when He tells that He Loves you… When you realize that He has always been there… When you realize that it wasn’t you that was looking for Him, but rather, it was He, calling your name in the distance, trying to tell you how to get to Him through the chaos that is the world… It was Jesus that sought me out. It was Jesus that found me. All I had to do was be still…

and listen.

I am Forever indebted to her for opening my eyes and to my good friend, Celi, for whispering courage into my ear when the cold darkness seemed to overtake the bright beacon of Hope.

In finding Jesus, I found myself. In finding myself, I began to hate everything that I had been. But I couldn’t be the person I am now without first having been the person I used to be. As it goes, Today is the child of Yesterday, and Tomorrow could not be without today…

I am not ashamed of the person I was, nor am I ashamed of the mistakes my past has brought me. Had I learned nothing from the past, perhaps I would be… But there is no shame in having a past from which you learn valuable life lessons… Everyone has a past… We just have to learn to let go of it, LIVE in the here and now, and look on to a bold, bright, and Beautiful future…

I’ve let go of my past, fallen in Love with Life and the most Amazing woman in the world, and I can’t wait for my future…

I don’t know why I typed this… Just something I was feeling, I guess…

I Love you Miranda… Thank you so much…

Thank you God for Her, my Family, and my Life…

Thank you Jesus for my Salvation…

And Thank you, whoever you are, for reading this... God Bless

~SamyB

How can I...

I just don't know...

I've done everything that I can think of to show them, but they just can't see it... I've tried and tried and tried, but it doesn't work... They are still incredulous, they are still ill at ease... I just don't know what I can do... I know I can do it, I just don't know what they expect of me... I want to be frustrated, but I feel, rather, that I have let them down. I feel like I have disappointed them... and her... I just don't know... I look at everything that I was, everything I now hate about myself, everything that used to be... I look at it, and I know that I have overcome it. I have completely re-vamped my life. I have made a 175 degree turn from where I was 3.5 years ago. There are a spare 5 degrees to leave room for that which I am currently working on... Maybe you don't know, maybe you do... I am not a bad person. I have motivation, drive, ambition. I like to get my hands dirty if it means that someone else doesn't have to work so hard... I look at Life, see what I want, and I go for it... and I am so good to her... She is my Everything, and yet, they see nothing. I am not mad, nor am I frustrated... I am disappointed. I am trying so desperately to correct all of my faults, but do they know? Do they see?
I feel some deja-vu right now... How can I make them see? How can I show them that my heart, as well as my intentions are nothing but the best? How do I do it? I don't know... I may never know...

But, then again, I'll NEVER give up...

I Love her too much...

For her, I'd do anything...

All I can do is Hope and Pray that they find me suitable and worthy of her...

I Love her.