Happiness

She is my absolute happiness. She is my every hope for the future, the very essence of my being... She is what dreams are made of... She is my dream. I Love her and I am in Love with her.

My Beautiful Miranda... I Love you with all that I am, and all that I will be. You are my everything. You are my World... I Love you...

An unruly silence...

I want to write about something. I want to speak my heart in ways that will touch you in such a profound way that it will change your life. I want my speech to be eloquent as well as relative. You know, it's just not coming to me. My heart is a closed vessel that has room for only one... My heart is occupied. How do you know what the world is like when you spend all your days trapped in a self-concocted cocoon, "living" in a dream world where everyone is out to sabotage you? How can you go on telling yourself that you're fine when I can see that you aren't? Please, get out! The world is waiting for you. Please, GET OUT! The world is calling for you! Take hold of your life and live! Tomorrow is not guaranteed to us by God... The only guarantee that we have from God is that He will be here or there wherever we fall, wherever we falter or stumble. The only guarantee that we have is that we are alive only for a moment. Our lives are simply an arrangement of moments strung together in an intricate web that create a past and the illusion of a future when the truth is this: Tomorrow will never come because today is all we have and yesterday is gone. C'mon, I'm not nuts here! Today cannot be tomorrow, nor tomorrow today. We must embrace the life we are given. I want to see it all. There is an entire world out there, and it is screaming my name! I want to take my prize. I want to capture my moments and weave my web the way it should be woven. We are all destined for great things. Not one of us is a mistake. I wish that we could all know why it is that we are placed here among the rocks, among the trees and stars... below the bold blue sky. I wish we could all know His future for us before we are all tainted and tarnished by the rancidness of societal pressures that pollute and corrupt our minds. A lot of times, I wish I could be different. I wish that I had the "clean slate" that I was born with, but... I don't. I can't. All that I can do is

Pray

I wish I could write my heart on this page... The feeling accompanying each beat transcribed in an even flow of prose not corrupted by thought, but rather, pure, untainted, untapped. A concentrated emotion seeping from the depths of that same heart... Instead, a hollow and heavy thud, thud, thud... I feel... like a convoluted enigma... A riddle with no foreseeable answer. I wish that I could name the entity slumbering in the yawning depths of my sanity, speaking seeds of doubt to my soul. It slumbers, but is not dormant. The infinite suppressor. The unfailing darkness... try though I might to rid myself of him... to vanquish him from my everything, his roots find berth at moments notice. Unpredictable and unanticipated, the roots of this... evil... this calculating and devious beast, break through with unfathomable success, leaping forth from the chasm he calls home. I like to think he is confined there... incarcerated with no hope of release... but this is his playground. He attacks when my higher nature falters, extending whips of malevolence and iniquity to those surrounding me... to those I hold most dear. My wife, my mothers, my sisters and brother... Casting a veil of silence forth, anchored by leaden weights at my feet, disallowing my true condition to be known... Pride is the fiddle that he plays... an unfortunate weakness that I possess, accompanied by the steady rhythm of temptation, also another of my human failings.

He toys with my lethargy, my complacency... an art mastered on weak minds... on fear.

His cunning succeeded by One.

Lord, Jesus Christ! Please give me your unquenchable fire to eradicate irrevocably this slumbering, maniacal being living within my soul. He is part of me. A part hopelessly attached. Help me to banish these thoughts and emotions that find course in my veins...

What I want, what I need, I wish I were strong enough to surrender to You, Lord. Human frailty is found in the extent of ones faith... Or perhaps the extent of ones faith is tested by the conditions of human frailty. I do not excuse my life, for it has purpose in Your Kingdom. A life not worth living is a life void of purpose. I do not feel worthy.

I am a sinner. I am not worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven. I am not the Christian that I wish to be... I find no comfort in those that are.

Lord, Jesus... I wish to be free as my Love is free... I wish to Love as she Loves. I wish to Live as you would have me Live...

This is my prayer...

Please hear me.

34

I have 34 days until I become another's. I have 34 days until I arrive... You see, I believe that God has made a very special place for me here on Earth. He has written in His scrolls a description of the life that I will lead and the man that I will become. He has even written my name in the heart of someone very special to me. He has answered the only prayer I ever wished for Him to truly answer. I am Loved. I am so Loved. I am Loved by a generous, caring, and forgiving God... and I am Loved by... my Love... my Miranda.

I am Hers... She is mine.

I Love no other now, nor ever shall I.

34 days... I can do this. I just can't wait to see her coming down the aisle in her beautiful dress, the very image of perfection, tears of complete and utter Happiness and Joy streaming down her face... I can't wait to profess my Love for her before all those that we care for... I cannot wait to be Her husband... I just hope that I can be the Man she has always dreamed of... for the rest of Forever.

I Love her.

That's all.
and everything