The Fall...

Rain… Standing beneath a myriad of droplets doomed to seep into the body of the earth, cleansing it, washing it… purifying it… Likewise, I stand, raindrops dancing down my forehead, making their way down my face, neck, and chest… Raindrops that take with them the filth of the day. I believe rain to be one of Earth’s most sexy attributes. Do not be played by foul assumptions, however. In my mind’s eye, the word “sexy” is easily replaced by such words as “attractive” or “beautiful.”

Truly, this is my irony in rain. Some consider themselves fortunate when not caught by the rain. Instead, they watch, comfortably nestled within the shelter of their homes, cars, restaurants, et cetera. Others, when caught, try with all their might to avoid it by seeking shelter. Why can we not bask in the resplendent pleasure found in just being? It seems, today, as if we are always trying to run… always hiding from something. I know because… I was hiding…

For as long as I can remember, no one thought I was capable of feeling. I "cut myself off from the rest of the world," effectively being labeled as something of a "loner." They said I was cold, I was distant. They said I was alone… I find it funny how we sometimes live up to the musings of others. If nothing else, I felt too much. If nothing else, I just couldn't relate to anyone. They said I was cold… I was aching for warmth… They said I was distant… I was closer and more Loyal to them than most… They said I was alone… I was just… lonely.

They said I was Godless… I was searching…

It’s nothing new. Everyone judges just as everyone is judged. Call it a fact of life, if you will. It is human nature to operate based upon preconceived notions that outline the imperfections and defects of others. Aside from being “human nature,” it is also so much easier. When one finds a means by which the focus of the scope is misdirected, turned, and angled away from the self, he or she can become a vicious, malicious, spiteful person.

As a society, we are much more proficient in identifying the faults of others because we do not want to admit that we, ourselves, are inherently flawed. Why? We are not flawed because Eve succumbed to the coercion of the serpent. No, we are flawed because we choose to be. God chose to give us free will… Just look what we’ve done with such a Beautiful and Powerful gift. We’ve destroyed countries and continents, families, lives, entire peoples… For what? Why? Is there a reason? Is it all just nonsense? No… If nothing else, these mistakes were allowed to be made so that we could learn to become more Christ-like; Love freely and give of thyself fully… That’s what it is all about.

But no more do we allow ourselves to enjoy such natural splendors. No more do we even allow ourselves to cry. A wise person once told me that fallen tears cleanse the soul. A tear held internal causes grief, confusion, worry, strife… When we disallow ourselves the God-given ability to feel, the what have we become? Have we become so monotonous in our daily lives that we have no time to feel, show compassion or empathy? Has it become so that when others are in need, we are to call someone to help or simply pretend that there isn’t an outstretched hand reaching for us. I’ve cried more in the last two years than I have in my entire Life… and it is Liberating, Invigorating, and Energizing. There is no shame in feeling… There should be shame in being callous, pitiless, and hard… There should be shame in the unwillingness to share in the plight of mankind. After all, we are all in this together.

You know, I cannot begin to describe to you what it is like to be lost, nor ever will I be lost again. What I can say is that, once found, your life is changed immediately. The change is so profound and instantly evident. Without her, I might very well be still immersed in darkness… Without her, I don’t know where I would be…

It all started in Tenth grade… If you’ve followed my blog for a while, you already know the story. However, in summation, it would suffice to say that from the very instant that I saw her, I was taken. I was drawn to her… Everything about her… It was like an intense magnetism… Like gravity itself was acting on me. Somehow, I knew. She was (is and will always be) the One.

I was set on a path that I had to travel alone. I had no idea how to begin, where to start, or what exactly I was looking for… Those of you who have had Christ your entire lives may not know of what I speak. For those of you who haven’t, you know the Beauty in the Life, in the change, in the undying sense of Hope and Faith and Ecstasy that runs rampant through your veins when He tells that He Loves you… When you realize that He has always been there… When you realize that it wasn’t you that was looking for Him, but rather, it was He, calling your name in the distance, trying to tell you how to get to Him through the chaos that is the world… It was Jesus that sought me out. It was Jesus that found me. All I had to do was be still…

and listen.

I am Forever indebted to her for opening my eyes and to my good friend, Celi, for whispering courage into my ear when the cold darkness seemed to overtake the bright beacon of Hope.

In finding Jesus, I found myself. In finding myself, I began to hate everything that I had been. But I couldn’t be the person I am now without first having been the person I used to be. As it goes, Today is the child of Yesterday, and Tomorrow could not be without today…

I am not ashamed of the person I was, nor am I ashamed of the mistakes my past has brought me. Had I learned nothing from the past, perhaps I would be… But there is no shame in having a past from which you learn valuable life lessons… Everyone has a past… We just have to learn to let go of it, LIVE in the here and now, and look on to a bold, bright, and Beautiful future…

I’ve let go of my past, fallen in Love with Life and the most Amazing woman in the world, and I can’t wait for my future…

I don’t know why I typed this… Just something I was feeling, I guess…

I Love you Miranda… Thank you so much…

Thank you God for Her, my Family, and my Life…

Thank you Jesus for my Salvation…

And Thank you, whoever you are, for reading this... God Bless

~SamyB

How can I...

I just don't know...

I've done everything that I can think of to show them, but they just can't see it... I've tried and tried and tried, but it doesn't work... They are still incredulous, they are still ill at ease... I just don't know what I can do... I know I can do it, I just don't know what they expect of me... I want to be frustrated, but I feel, rather, that I have let them down. I feel like I have disappointed them... and her... I just don't know... I look at everything that I was, everything I now hate about myself, everything that used to be... I look at it, and I know that I have overcome it. I have completely re-vamped my life. I have made a 175 degree turn from where I was 3.5 years ago. There are a spare 5 degrees to leave room for that which I am currently working on... Maybe you don't know, maybe you do... I am not a bad person. I have motivation, drive, ambition. I like to get my hands dirty if it means that someone else doesn't have to work so hard... I look at Life, see what I want, and I go for it... and I am so good to her... She is my Everything, and yet, they see nothing. I am not mad, nor am I frustrated... I am disappointed. I am trying so desperately to correct all of my faults, but do they know? Do they see?
I feel some deja-vu right now... How can I make them see? How can I show them that my heart, as well as my intentions are nothing but the best? How do I do it? I don't know... I may never know...

But, then again, I'll NEVER give up...

I Love her too much...

For her, I'd do anything...

All I can do is Hope and Pray that they find me suitable and worthy of her...

I Love her.

There is this... a tricky little something...

There is this… a tricky little trinket of a fanciful imagination unbridled and unbound by the strict code of conduct and often demeaning demeanor of an always relative reality... Pragmatic and practical, though it might seem, the truths, certainties, and veracity born of reality are composed of a series of untruths, uncertainties, and utter disingenuousness. The edifice of humanity was not erected with what is as its foundation. Rather, humanity’s purpose is to discover what could be… to ascertain and discern individual truth as it pertains to the one and only universal truth…

However, there is this… This one little trinket that I have and will further continue to dedicate my life to… It is a simple, four letter word… It is the source from which all my truths are derived… It is the spring from which my happiness flows… and its origin is… her…

Reality does not seem so real anymore. Eight months ago, all that I could see were closed and locked doors… But now, as I sit here typing, I cannot see the walls that supported the doors in the first place… My mind is not clouded by what is. It is filled with hope, anticipation, excitement, eagerness, and passion for the things that can be… for the things that will be...

To approach my meaning from a different path, one could say that… I Live dreams… Perhaps, to further elucidate my seemingly senseless musings, I should explain.

For a number of years now, on every falling star on every starry night, my hope, my wish, my prayer was the same… I asked for only one thing… her.

“God, I know you don’t always hear from me, and I know we ask a lot of you, but she is the only person that I have ever felt anything for. From the first moment that I saw her, I was hers’. There is no question, no deliberation. She is the one. Only you can see into my heart and soul and know the truths within. But when she looks at me, I can feel her burning, amber eyes looking at me... inside of me... God, I Love her. I will never ask anything of you for myself if I can just have this one thing. Please…” (Not verbatim, mind you… this is the abridged version.)

On every successive falling star, I would stare into the sky and think, or say aloud, “God, you know what I want…” thinking only of her… Even if accompanied by a friend... "What are you doing?" "I'm making a wish, and no, I can't tell you!" "Sorry, you just haven't moved for the past three minutes... just wanted to see if you were still alive..." ;-)

For the longest time, I thought that I would never experience true and uninhibited Love… “Why?” became my most frequently asked question… Why could I not let go of her? Why did every road always lead to her? Why was she the benchmark against which all other girls were compared? Why did I see her face on every girl that passed by? Why?

My reality was a nightmare, but my dreams were my saving grace… Internal conflict was all that I had come to know. Then, one day, I realized what I had become… and I also realized that my wish should not have been, “All I want in this world is her,” but rather, “All I want in this world is for her to be happy…”

What do you do in that instant when you realize that the very thing you have wanted for so long is far more important to you than your own happiness…
As the old adage states, “If you Love something, just let it go…”

I accepted the reality of the situation… But I never let go of the dream…

The reality: She was my best friend and I would always be there for her… no matter what…

The Dream: She was mine. My girlfriend, my best friend, and I would always be there for her… no matter what…

The Wish: “God, you know what I want…”

We remained great friends through it all… Then one day, May 16, 2007, a spark of hope filled my body with fire, reawakening a passion that lay dormant for so long… an anonymous note to people she knew...

“While we've had more than our share of ups and downs, I am so glad we've gone through what we have together. I think without all that, you wouldn't know me as well as you do- and I must say, I've shared more with you than most - and I wouldn't know you to be the person you are. Honestly, I sometimes catch myself thinking about what it'd be like if we could've worked it out. I almost wish we would have- but then again, maybe we're just too different. I've been dreaming about you lately. Kind of the same theme in all of my dreams. It makes me think about you a lot. I miss us hanging out, our talks. You intrigue me, and I sometimes find myself wishing I could call you anytime and not feel that I'm bothering you.You really don't know how much I respect and look up to you. Do you still feel the same? I wish we could just talk. That's all I want, maybe more if the chance came again. But that's all in the past and I blame myself.”

On May 27, 2007, I told my best friend that I still felt the same about her, but that I would always be her best friend, before I was anything else and that if we were going to do anything, we were going to do it right through communication and compromise… On June 6, 2007, I kissed her… I kissed my best friend, and she kissed me back… On October 3, 2007, I told her that I love her… and she said it… right back… I Love her with all of my heart and soul... Now there is only one thing left... The journey continues

Every path I’ve ever walked down, since the day I met her, has led me to her… Sometimes, we are struck by the clarity provided to us by hind-sight bias… It is always 20/20… I did not understand so many things along my journey to this point… But because of everything that we have been through together, I know we will make it. The really clever thing, though, is God’s plan… Had we been a couple in high school, would we be anytihing close to what we are now? Would we be better or worse? Honestly… I don’t care about what might have been… My life is in His hands, and I trust his reigns to lead me to where I am supposed to be... I believe, with blind and utter certainty, that whatever road He leads me down, she will be there with me, and I with her... I am, however, constantly looking forward to everything that can and might be, while treasuring every second of every moment of everything that is.

The key to the success of any relationship is an unrelenting devotion (on the part of both parties) to three things:

1.) Communication
2.) Compromise
3.) Participation

The key to success in life… Just read “How To: Life,” otherwise known as The Bible… ;-)

Well, thank you for reading this… just felt like writing something… not surprising that it turned out to be about my one, true Love… being that I think of her most of my day…

Have a great day…
SamyB